Relationships can be complicated. When you start seeing someone new, it can be difficult to tell whether the person is right for you or if there are issues that should give you pause. Red flags and green flags can help provide some clarity. Red flags are signs that there could be problems in the relationship or with the other person. Green flags indicate positive qualities and areas of compatibility. Paying attention to both can help you figure out if this is a healthy relationship worth pursuing.
What are Red Flags?
Red flags are warning signs or indications that there may be issues, incompatibilities, or toxic dynamics in a relationship. Here are some examples of common red flags to look out for when dating someone new:
| Disrespectful behavior | This includes name-calling, mocking you, talking down to you, etc. |
| Possessiveness | They get jealous easily, don’t want you talking to other people, and try to control who you spend time with. |
| Dishonesty | Lying to you about where they’ve been, who they were with, or other things. |
| Quick temper | They get angry, yell, or rage over small issues. |
| Lack of reliability | Frequently breaking plans, being late, or being irresponsible. |
| Negativity | Criticizing you frequently, always focusing on the negative. |
| Different values | Major differences in morals, priorities, or values. |
These behaviors can be signs that the person you’re seeing has issues with jealousy, anger, respect, or other areas that could create an unhealthy dynamic in the relationship. While no one is perfect, red flags suggest you should proceed carefully if at all.
What are Green Flags?
Whereas red flags point to areas of concern, green flags highlight positive traits, behaviors, and compatibility that indicate the relationship has good potential. Some green flags to look for include:
| Respect | They listen to you, value your opinions, and speak to you kindly. |
| Responsibility | They call when they say they will, arrive on time, and follow through on commitments. |
| Supportiveness | They encourage you, want the best for you, and are in your corner. |
| Shared values | You see eye-to-eye on important things like family, integrity, spirituality, etc. |
| Comfortable pace | Neither person feels rushed or forced into deepening the relationship. |
| Healthy communication | You’re both open, honest, and can discuss issues calmly. |
| Lack of jealousy | They don’t get possessive or worry when you have independent activities. |
Green flags indicate your personalities mesh well, you want similar things from life, and you have the key ingredients for a healthy, lasting bond. They suggest this could develop into a great partnership.
How to Identify Red Flags and Green Flags
Paying attention early on can help you spot any concerning red flags as well as encouraging green flags. Here are some tips:
– Get to know them before getting physical. It’s easier to assess compatibility when you focus on emotional connection first.
– See how they respond to disagreements. Do they listen, compromise, and problem solve or get defensive or blow up?
– Meet their friends and family. How do they interact with the people closest to them?
– Observe their habits. Are they kind to waitstaff and others? Do they follow through on responsibilities?
– Listen to your gut. Do they make you feel respected, comfortable, and happy? Or uneasy for some reason?
– Have talks about values, ethics, future goals. Look for areas of alignment.
– Don’t ignore red flags or rationalize them. Take them seriously.
– Give it time. Green and red flags often become clearer after the infatuation stage fades.
Paying attention early on can reveal whether this relationship has the ingredients for long-term success or if there are significant areas of concern. Trust your instincts.
Responding to Red Flags
When you notice red flags, don’t just brush them off. Consider carefully whether this behavior is something you’re able or willing to deal with long-term or if it indicates deeper issues that may not change. Here are some healthy ways to respond:
| Reflect | Think about whether this is truly concerning or just a minor issue or misunderstanding. |
| Communicate | Have an open, caring talk about what you’ve noticed and how you feel. |
| Set boundaries | Be clear about what’s acceptable to you and what needs to change. |
| Get advice | Ask a trusted friend or adviser their take on the situation. |
| Assess progress | If you decide to stay, notice whether their behavior improves and positive changes last. |
| Have self-respect | Know when it’s time to walk away from behaviors you shouldn’t have to accept. |
Don’t make excuses for red flags. Address them head on. If the issues persist or you two can’t agree on expectations, it may not be the right fit.
Appreciating Green Flags
When you notice green flags in a new relationship, point them out and let the other person know you value those positive qualities. Some ways to show you appreciate healthy behaviors:
| Express gratitude | Thank them when they do something kind or supportive. |
| Compliment character | Comment on traits like honesty, dependability, and generosity. |
| Show interest | Ask follow up questions to understand their priorities and values. |
| Reciprocate | Return healthy behaviors and treat them how you want to be treated. |
| Do shared activities | Engage in hobbies and interests you both enjoy. |
| Meet in the middle | Compromise in areas you have differences. |
When you notice and appreciate green flags, it motivates positive behavior to continue. It also strengthens intimacy and trust.
Proceed With Caution
If you’re noticing numerous red flags, it’s usually best to end the relationship sooner rather than later. Breaking things off quickly can be difficult but saves you from worse heartache down the road. If you want to keep seeing them, proceed with extreme caution. Don’t ignore or rationalize red flags.
The more red flags and fewer green flags you see, the more cautious you should be about deepening emotional intimacy and commitment. Signs of possessiveness, anger issues, disrespect, or toxicity necessitate creating stronger boundaries or leaving the relationship altogether. Your safety is priority.
Trust issues apparent early on rarely improve without therapy and sincere effort. If red flags still appear after communicating concerns, it may be time to walk away. Don’t stay hoping things will change.
Enjoy the Green Flags
When you meet someone who treats you with care, shares your values, and brings out the best in you, acknowledge and appreciate those green flags. Deepening relationships with mutually supportive partners leads to greater fulfillment.
Notice signs of respect, responsibility, honesty, support, flexibility, kindness, and communication. When someone’s actions line up with their words, they are likely to be a great long-term partner.
Green flags indicate your personalities and priorities mesh well and you have the foundations for an emotionally healthy relationship. Nurture that by continuing behaviors you appreciate in each other.
Conclusion
Being aware of red flags and green flags when dating someone new can help you avoid toxic relationships and foster healthy ones. Pay attention to signs of possessiveness, disrespect, unreliability, and poor communication which suggest caution is needed. Also notice signs of mutual care, support, responsibility, and communication indicating compatibility. Discuss any concerns and deal with issues directly rather than ignoring them. While no relationship is perfect, watching for green and red flags helps set the healthiest foundations for dating success, happiness, and long-term partnership. Proceeding with caution and care can lead to great relationships.
