They/them pronouns can be confusing to use at times. Many people have questions about when and where it is appropriate to use they/them pronouns to refer to a single person. In this article, we will provide guidance on proper usage of they/them pronouns and examples of how to use them in various contexts.
Using They/Them Pronouns for Non-Binary Individuals
One of the most common uses of they/them pronouns today is to refer to individuals who identify as non-binary. Non-binary is a term used by those who do not identify exclusively as male or female. They/them pronouns allow non-binary individuals to be referred to in a way that matches their gender identity.
For example, if someone named Sam identifies as non-binary, you would refer to Sam using they/them pronouns:
“Sam went to the store earlier today. They needed to pick up a few things.”
“I heard Sam started a new job last week. We should ask them how it is going.”
Using they/them pronouns is important to show respect for Sam’s non-binary identity. Always be sure to clarify which pronouns someone uses before referring to them.
Referring to a Generic Singular Person
They/them can also be used when referring to a generic singular person whose gender is unknown or irrelevant. For example:
“A customer walked into the store. They seemed to be in a hurry.”
“Someone left their jacket behind. I hope they come back for it.”
“A student must bring their own materials on the first day of class.”
In these cases, using they/them avoids making assumptions about the person’s gender. They/them allows you to talk about an individual without labeling them as male or female.
Emphasizing Personhood Over Gender
Using they/them pronouns can also be a way to prioritize a person’s humanness and individuality over their perceived gender. For example, you may choose to use they/them for a specific person in order to minimize focus on their presumed binary gender.
“My friend Jess is an incredible musician. They have an amazing voice.”
“Our colleague Sam always goes above and beyond. We are lucky to have them on the team.”
In these cases, the speakers have chosen to highlight Jess and Sam’s attributes as people, rather than using gendered pronouns which emphasize perceived maleness or femaleness.
Referring to a Known Individual Who Uses Multiple Sets of Pronouns
Some individuals use they/them pronouns in addition to he/him or she/her pronouns. In these cases, it’s important to clarify which set of pronouns the person uses in which contexts. When in doubt, defaulting to they/them pronouns can avoid misgendering the individual.
For example:
“On Mondays and Wednesdays Chris prefers she/her pronouns, and on other days they use they/them pronouns.”
“I know Alexis uses both she/her and they/them pronouns. I’ll have to ask them which they prefer for today.”
Referring to Multiple People of Diverse Genders
They/them can be used when referring to a group of people with diverse gender identities. For example:
“The demonstrators were passionate. They gathered at city hall to make their voices heard.”
“The candidates are bringing a diversity of perspectives to the race. Voters like that they offer real alternatives.”
They/them allows you to speak about the group without identifying them as solely male or female. This provides inclusion for those of non-binary genders.
Historical Uses of Singular They
The use of singular they/them pronouns actually dates back hundreds of years. Historical examples include:
– Jane Austen’s novel Emma from 1815: “Everybody has their taste in noises as well as in other matters.”
– Emily Dickinson’s poem “Faith is a fine invention” from the 1860s: “Faith is a fine invention/When Gentlemen can see/But Microscopes are prudent/In an Emergency.”
– F. Scott Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby from 1925: “When I came home to West Egg that night I was afraid for a moment that my house was on fire. Two o’clock and the whole corner of the peninsula was blazing with light, which fell unreal on the shrubbery and made thin elongating glints upon the roadside wires. Turning a corner, I saw that it was Gatsby’s house, lit from tower to cellar.”
So the usage of singular they/them has long historical precedent in the English language. It did not just arise recently.
Times to Avoid Using Singular They
While singular they/them pronouns have many appropriate uses, there are certain contexts where they should be avoided:
– When referring to a specific person who has stated a clear preference for either he/him or she/her pronouns. Use the person’s preferred pronouns.
– In formal academic writing. Many style guides still prescribe using “he” as a generic singular pronoun in these contexts. Know your audience.
– When an individual’s gender is known, specified, and relevant in the context. If you are referring to your uncle Bob, for example, use “he” rather than “they.”
– To conceal someone’s non-binary gender against their will. Someone should never be referred to with binary pronouns simply to hide their identity as non-binary.
The key is to avoid using singular they/them in cases where it would be inappropriate or seen as trying to override someone’s stated pronoun preference.
Tips for Using Singular They/Them Pronouns
Here are some top tips to keep in mind when using singular they/them pronouns:
– When in doubt, ask! Clarify which pronouns someone uses before referring to them. Don’t assume.
– Practice on your own to build your skills using they/them pronouns in sentences. It can take time to get used to.
– Remember that they/them can be used for both plural and singular contexts. Listen for contextual cues.
– Use they/them pronouns not just when referring to non-binary people, but also when the gender is unknown or irrelevant.
– Understand that everyone messes up sometimes. Apologize quickly if you use the wrong pronoun and move on.
– Speak up when you hear others using the wrong pronouns. Offer gentle corrections to help build allyship.
Examples of Singular They in Real Life Contexts
To understand better how to use singular they/them pronouns, consider these examples in real-world contexts:
Introducing Yourself and Stating Pronouns
“Hi everyone, my name is Sam and my pronouns are they/them.”
Stating Pronouns During Roll Call
“When I call your name, please respond with your pronouns. Let’s start. Sam?” “They/them.”
Providing Pronoun Options on Registration Forms
Please select your pronouns:
[] He/him
[] She/her
[] They/them
[] Other: ______
Listing Pronouns in Email Signatures or Social Media Bios
Sam Lee (they/them)
Correction Someone Who Misgenders
“I’m sorry, Sam uses they/them pronouns, not he/him.”
Introducing Someone Else
“This is my friend Sam. They joined our hiking group last week.”
These examples demonstrate simple ways we can incorporate respectful use of singular they/them pronouns into everyday life. With practice, using they/them pronouns becomes natural.
The Grammatical Form of Singular They
Grammatically, singular they/them pronouns function the same way as plural they/them pronouns. Here are some key grammar rules:
– They/them pronouns can replace he/him/his or she/her/hers in sentences.
– Use “they are” rather than “they is” for singular. “They is” is grammatically incorrect.
– For possessives, use “their” rather than his or her. Ex: This is their jacket.
– Reflexive pronouns take the form “themself” rather than himself/herself. Ex: Sam dressed themself.
– Make verbs agree by using plural conjugation. Ex: They walk to the store. They are walking.
So grammatically, treat they/them pronouns as plural for purposes of subject-verb agreement and reflexive pronouns, even when used to refer to a single person.
Responding to Criticisms of Singular They
There are occasionally critiques about the use of singular they/them pronouns. Here are some effective ways to respond to these criticisms:
Criticism: It’s grammatically incorrect
– Singular they has been used in the English language for centuries by respected writers. It has historical precedent.
– Many authoritative style guides and dictionaries now endorse singular they as grammatically correct. It has become accepted usage.
– Language evolves over time. Grammar rules change as our usage changes. What was once incorrect may later become accepted.
Criticism: It’s confusing
– Any new language usage takes time to get accustomed to. With practice, singular they becomes easy.
– Ambiguity is easily resolved through contextual cues in most cases. You can discern meaning.
– Having gender neutral language ultimately reduces ambiguity about individuals whose genders are unknown or non-binary.
Criticism: Just say “he or she” instead
– Saying “he or she” defines someone within the gender binary, marginalizing those who are non-binary.
– “He or she” can be clunky and awkward, especially when repeated often in writing. They/them improves flow.
– “He or she” reinforces the assumption that gender is strictly binary, which excludes many. They/them is more inclusive.
With empathy, patience, and facts, we can thoughtfully respond to concerns some may have about usage of singular they/them pronouns.
Importance of Respecting Pronouns
Ultimately, respecting each person’s stated pronouns is critically important to creating an inclusive environment for people of all genders. Here are some reasons why pronoun use matters:
– Using someone’s correct pronouns helps validate their identity and affirm who they are.
– When the wrong pronouns are used, it can make someone feel invisible, disrespected, invalidated, or dysphoric.
– Consistently using the right pronouns shows allieship and acceptance.
– Non-binary people and those using multiple sets of pronouns often face marginalization. Honoring their pronouns fights back against erasure.
– Normalizing gender neutral pronouns like they/them makes space for more expansive expression of gender.
– Creating pronoun-inclusive spaces combats cisnormativity and traditional binary gender roles.
– It’s just common courtesy to call someone what they wish to be called.
No matter one’s personal views, respecting others’ names and pronouns costs nothing – and can mean everything. Making they/them pronouns part of our everyday language is one small but meaningful way we can create a more equal and just society.
Conclusion
They/them pronouns can be used in various singular contexts, including referring to a non-binary or genderqueer person, a generic person whose gender is unknown, or a specific individual who prefers gender-neutral pronouns. While some claim that singular they is grammatically incorrect, it has been used throughout history by respected writers and is increasingly endorsed by style guides. Using they/them pronouns shows respect and inclusion for people of all genders. With more practice, integrating singular they into everyday speech and writing becomes easy. Gender diversity need not be confusing. They/them pronouns provide a simple and graceful way to communicate while avoiding assumptions and acknowledging the complexity of gender.
