In James McBride’s memoir The Color of Water, his mother Ruth considers herself to be “dead” in several profound ways over the course of her life. Ruth endures substantial hardships, losses, and identity changes that lead her to describe herself as dead at different points in the book. By examining key events and themes in Ruth’s life, we can better understand the complex reasons behind her powerful declaration that she is dead.
Ruth’s Childhood Trauma
Ruth’s traumatic childhood experiences contribute to her sense of death. She was born Rachel Shilsky, daughter of an Orthodox Jewish rabbi in Poland. Her family suffered intense anti-Semitism, and she lost several siblings at a young age. This profoundly painful start shaped her psyche:
| Age 8 | Witnessed a pogrom where Cossacks brutally killed Jews, including her friend |
| Age 12 | Lost three sisters to illness |
| Age 14 | Lost her mother to cancer |
Ruth describes this childhood as a “living death” where she felt like a “dead person” inside. The immense grief and trauma of her youth stays with Ruth as she ages.
Escaping Her Past
In her teenage years, Ruth takes drastic measures to escape her painful past. At age 17, she leaves her Jewish family, community, and name behind, severing ties completely. She marries Andrew Dennis McBride, an African American man, and converts to Christianity. This decision brings her family structure crashing down:
| Action | Consequence |
| Marries a black Christian man | Her Jewish family disowns her |
| Changes her name | Cuts ties to her Jewish identity |
| Converts religions | Turns away from Judaism |
Essentially, Ruth kills off her childhood self and former life. She describes this transition as a “death” and being “dead to her family.” Ruth must completely bury major parts of her identity that shaped her as a young person.
Reinventing Her Identity
After leaving her Jewish identity behind, Ruth proceeds to reinvent herself multiple times in her life journey:
| Identity | Details |
| Rachel Shilsky | Birth name |
| Ruth McBride | Name after marrying Andrew McBride |
| Ruth Jordan | Name after divorcing Andrew McBride |
| Mommy | Primary identity when raising her 12 black children |
Ruth shapes and reshapes her persona to adapt to new marriages, relationships, and responsibilities. With each shift, she must kill off and bury old aspects of herself to move forward. These identity changes are all different kinds of death for Ruth.
Losing Her Husbands
In addition to metaphorical deaths, Ruth suffers real loss of loved ones. Her first husband Andrew McBride dies when she is just in her 30s. She then meets Peter Jordan, marries him, and is widowed again when he passes away suddenly. Ruth is forced to say goodbye to two husbands in the prime of life:
| Husband | Age at Widowhood |
| Andrew McBride | Early 30s |
| Peter Jordan | Early 40s |
These painful experiences of losing life partners compound Ruth’s familiarity with death. She raises her young children alone through profound grief.
Near-Death Experiences
In later adulthood, Ruth has several near-death episodes that reaffirm her sense of mortality. She battles diabetes and related health issues that threaten her life and force her to confront the real possibility of dying:
| Health Crisis | Outcome |
| Diabetic coma | Hospitalized for weeks |
| Car accident | Hospital stay, months of rehab |
| Congestive heart failure | Treatments, lifestyle changes |
Ruth survives each of these frightening medical incidents. However, the repetitive brushes with death remind her of the impermanence of life.
Losing Her Son
One of the most agonizing losses of Ruth’s life is when her son James dies unexpectedly as a young adult. After nurturing him through childhood as a single working mother, the sudden death of her child is a crushing blow. Ruth describes her grief:
“I didn’t take care of myself. I didn’t eat or sleep. I walked the streets at night. I walked and walked, crying inside but not crying on the outside. I felt dead inside, dead like my son was dead.”
This traumatic loss adds another dimension to Ruth’s relationship with death. The vitality of her bright son is wiped out without warning, reinforcing the fragility of existence.
Facing Her Own Mortality
As Ruth ages and faces health issues, she becomes aware of her own impending death. She speaks frankly about the reality that she has limited time left on Earth:
“I won’t live forever. I’m already living on borrowed time as it is. When the time comes, I’m ready.”
Ruth accepts that death is a natural part of life that she cannot escape. Her experiences with death throughout life prepare her to meet her own end with open eyes.
Conclusion
Through childhood trauma, identity changes, widowhood, health scares, and grieving the death of her son, Ruth feels acquainted with death from an early age. By the time James McBride knew his mother, she considered herself already dead in many ways. Ruth survived immense loss and pain over decades, leaving her numb and weary. However, she showed incredible resilience by building a loving family and church community. Ruth lived a rich life and nurtured 12 children despite carrying profound grief. By understanding the complex roots of Ruth’s relationship with death, we can better appreciate her remarkable life story depicted in The Color of Water.